A funny from my friend Loc-
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, June 07, 2010
A Monday funny...
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Even though I wasn’t trying to be funny, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Sent to me by my buddy Chris.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Sent to me by my buddy Chris.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Men are better friends
Friendship between women: A woman doesn't come home one night.
The next morning she tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night.
The next morning he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there!
Yup, that is the difference between men and women. This bit of funny was sent to me by my buddy Chris.
The next morning she tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night.
The next morning he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there!
Yup, that is the difference between men and women. This bit of funny was sent to me by my buddy Chris.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Its a joke, ok?
Don't shoot me!
This Is No Bull
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR." My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150TIMES LAST YEAR."
This Is No Bull
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR." My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150TIMES LAST YEAR."
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "Wow, that' more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
Honestly, my condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
If only...
Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has plenty of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign- It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign- It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Grandmas Don't Know Everything
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
A little joke from a high school friend, via email. Thanks JoAnne!
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
A little joke from a high school friend, via email. Thanks JoAnne!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
A joke from my Dad
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Monday, April 23, 2007
Automobile trivia
Here is something you car buffs probably didn't know.
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
Didn't know that, did ya?..
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º, turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
Shamelessly stolen from the Jokes section at The Scoot Dawg Forums. Thanks Charlie!
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
Didn't know that, did ya?..
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º, turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
Shamelessly stolen from the Jokes section at The Scoot Dawg Forums. Thanks Charlie!
Friday, January 19, 2007
The 5 Toughest Questions for Men
[NOTE: this came to me by friend Kenny and since he didn't post it, I thought I would.]
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!") Or guns of course, or maybe a place in the country where I could shoot my guns with my friends.
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!") Or guns of course, or maybe a place in the country where I could shoot my guns with my friends.
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